Healing from trauma through equine bonding
Overcoming trauma in the face of fear.
In August of 2021, I was helping my dad train a new horse. He was about two years old, and had five rides on him the day we took him to the beach. I rode him on the trails and the bay side beach twice. On the second time out I forgot that I was on a baby horse, and attempted to move him to an accelerated gait. His response was expected in context, but unexpected by me and he bucked me off. I hit the ground hard, on my right hip and my first thought was that I’d fractured something. In that moment a small physical and emotional trauma occurred. I switched horses with another rider, and walked part of the way back to our camp ground before deciding I was better off hoisting myself onto another horse and making an agonizing ride back.
Fast forward to January, 2022 when I attended a horsemanship clinic in Northern California (we never stop learning). I paired with the same horse that had bucked me off. We did ground work first, establishing a bond, and mutual respect. I was taking a lot longer than other participants to feel that it was safe to mount my horse. Again, I traded horses with another rider. Part of me felt shame for not being able to continue with my original horse. I’d been riding for 32 years, surely this should have come naturally… but it didn’t. I remembered the anticipation of hitting the ground, when I realized I could not ride out this bucking steed. Even on a different horse, I was afraid. I didn’t trust him. We hadn’t bonded. I broke down. I cried in front of all the participants at the clinic, and the cowboys running it. I was so ashamed of myself for not being stronger, and I confessed my shame then and there. Much to my surprise, I was met with wise words; strength is admitting when you’re not safe, and changing your conditions. Cowboy wisdom is real, y’all.
Once more, I changed horses. My wonderful husband took my second horse of the day, and gave me my heart horse, Pete. I walked up to Pete during a lunch break, still steeped in shame, trying to breathe through the panic. Pete pressed his long, flat face against my chest, where all my tension resided. He was calm despite my emotional turmoil, and he showed me how to be still; how to breathe.
We re-entered the arena, and I hoisted myself onto Pete. He turned his head and touched my toe with his soft, fuzzy nose. He responded to my every cue, and never wavered. He sensed my fears and relaxed his body. I fed off him, and he off me. It took mere minutes for me to feel safe atop one of my best friends, and before long, we were proving our bond to a dozen other riders.
Was I afraid when with other horses? Sure. Did I doubt my abilities as a rider? Absolutely. Was I filled with shame for feeling fear? Yep. But by confronting my shame and fear, and re-establishing a bond with a trusted horse, I managed to find the strength that had been silenced by trauma.
Before the weekend was through, I rode two different horses, flexed my horse trainer muscles, and overcame a fear I thought may be crippling. By bonding with a horse that trusted me, and who I trusted, I overcame anxiety, fear, self doubt and shame.
It’s experiences like these that I can’t wait to share with you, so you too can feel the immense power offered through interactions with our equine partners.
